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Comfort After A Breakup

The Talmud teaches that in terms of couples, people get the person they deserve.

When I started university, I briefly dated this fantastic girl who worked with this organization for kids with disabilities. Besides that – which suggested kindness in my mind – she was also remarkably pretty. And, of course, she was observant. I thought I had it made.

Then she dumped me.

I was devastated. How will I ever find someone like you, I cried to her over the phone. She wouldn’t change her mind and it felt pretty sucky, frankly.

But consider what the Talmud says. People get the person they deserve.

Are you some horrible jerk who becomes a worse person by the day? Most people aren’t.

Are you a decent person working on their character traits to become better day-by-day? Most people are.

So, hoping that G’ categorizes me in the second group, that means that I should eventually find a girl that’s even more fitting for myself and my personality than she was.

Note: I’m not saying “better.”

This isn’t like hockey where player A can objectively be rated better than player B. I’m not denigrating that girl I dated in first year.

I’m saying “more fitting.” Better in a subjective sense – better for me.

Someone whose values are closer to mine.

Someone whose ideas on the life they’d like to live match my ideas.

Whose goals and ambitions complement mine.

Recently, I got dumped again. It sucked, and hurt again since I really saw some terrific values in this girl. She’s observant, open to living in Israel, has some very positive influences amongst her immediate family from what I could tell. (And she’s also really pretty, too.)

I need to figure out exactly what values and personality I’m looking for. And who I am.

And then once I’ve got that down pat and am fairly sure / consistent about those ideas over time

I’ll find the girl that suits me right, B”H.

*P.S. The Talmud also says you need to go out and find that person, not sit on your bum waiting.

– Jacob sent gifts to his brother Esav and prepared for war since his brother meant to kill him; Jacob didn’t just pray and rely on G’.

– It’s like the story of the stubborn drowner. A boat came by and threw him a life buoy. He rejected it and said “I’m waiting for G’ to intervene on my behalf.” A helicopter flying by dropped him a ladder. He said, “No thanks – I’m going to let G’ do His thing.” A dolphin came and tried to carry him to an island. He let it swim away.

After he drowned, this stubborn fellow appeared before G’. “G’, I kept your commandments. How come you didn’t come for me?” “What more do you want? I sent you a boat, a chopper and even a dolphin!”

Posted in Judaism.

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